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  NAME: Doctor Balt Baltmer SPECIES/DESCRIPTION: Alien nerd PLANET OF ORIGIN: Coreezbic, a world on the periphery of the distant hyperboloid galaxy Bloth. FORMER OCCUPATION: Superstar scientist/sex symbol CURRENT OCCUPATION: "e-Commerce" FORMER MOOD: Optimistic, laid-back, generally exultant CURRENT MOOD: A facade of disdain hiding a shell of bitterness concealing a lonely, lonely man. MARITAL STATUS: Alone and unwanted. FAVORITE THINGS: Sanity, organization, clocks, Orbital, the hope of release through death ARCH-RIVAL: Fluble's hallucinatory gargoyle, Occam SANE? No, but he puts on a decent act. Pity Balt Baltmer. Born and raised on Coreezbic, the planet of the nerds, Balt was raised in a society which worshiped intelligence, idolized scientific achievement, and found nothing sexier than a short, wiry bald man. It was in this environment that Balt came of age, became an astrophysicist, xenobiologist, and computer scientist, and rose effortlessly to the uppermost echelon of Coreezbean nerd society. He wooed the Coreezbean people with his dashing nerdy looks, astounded his peers with his scientific discoveries, and had women swooning with his unparalleled mastery of the scope resolution operator. Tragically, Dame Fortune apparently lost favor with Balt, for no sooner had his appointment to the position of Geek General been confirmed by Coreezbic's Supreme High Big Cheese Guy In Chief, than mysterious goings-on in the vicinity of a small planet on the unfashionable western spiral arm of the Milky Way Galaxy demanded Balt's immediate attention. However, on his way to investigate these mysterious signals being broadcast from the red planet known only as "Marp," Balt's ship was randomly shot down by a rogue team of Space Fratboys, and he was forced to crash land on the neighboring and thoroughly less interesting planet Earth. Balt's life took a decided turn for the worse. Lost on a strange world with only his Moosh for company, Balt eventually accepted help from the wandering lunatic Burble, who would later proceed to get Balt mixed up with a near endless supply of other wandering lunatics, who in turn would finally land in him in Syracuse with Fluble and a plethora of other random dribbling fools. This would eventually insure Balt's permanent status as an exile, as an attempted return to his planet with Fluble and Burble in tow branded Balt a "freak sympathizer," the lowest form of pariah in the Coreezbean social ladder. Things have been nothing
if not difficult for Balt since. He constantly feels
compelled to attempt to inject elements of reason into
the events that surround him, a habit which grows more
monstrously futile with each floating yak head or
exploding doorstop which enters his life. As much as he
resists the aura of apathy exuded by Fluble and his
friends, Balt occasionally feels himself slipping, as
demonstrated by his transition from one of the universe's
most respectable scientists to a desperate man cobbling
together inventions like the "cordless extension
cord" in his basement. Nevertheless, Balt has stuck
to his role as Fluble's loose anchor to reality, and
attempts to remain an island of stablility in a world
populated mostly by lunatics. Tragically, Balt's struggle
seems doomed to failure, as he himself has long since
passed beyond the threshold of lunacy, and is now divided
between the desperate need to keep his image up and the
creeping desire to jump into a giant vat of Jell-o
covered bunnies. |