NAME: Schrafka
SPECIES/ DESCRIPTION: Cat
OCCUPATIONS: Wiretap hound, cultist, multiple UFO abductee, speedfreak, psychic, socialist, militia member, rambling crackpot
BIRTHPLACE: A trash can in Syracuse, NY
CURRENT RESIDENCE: An indoor trash can in Syracuse, NY
MOST IMPRESSIVE SKILL: Refuses to believe that the snow on the TV screen when PBS goes off the air is benign, but implicitly trusts the ability of burning balls of plasma and gas thousands of light years away to directly influence the course of his daily life
GENERAL MOOD: Pathologically suggestible
FAVORITE THINGS: Homemade brainwave-deflection helmet, pyramid power, violent revolution, spoken word albums, Scrabble
SANE? Sane like a FOX! Heh heh! No, wait.

Listen, man. Schrafka's onta you. You and yer freakin' NARCS better think TWICE before you send yer freakin' Black Ops Illuminati Dental Hygenist MANDROIDS to slip the green weejees inta him. Oh, yeah, man, he knows all about you. He's heard yer freakin' white noise broadcasts over his cell phone. He's seen the subliminal messages in the cable access test patterns. And he sure as hell ain't drinkin' yer freakin' TAP WATER, that's fer freakin' sure. Mrs. Schrafka didn't raise fools, man. Well, maybe a couple. But YOU'RE the fool if you're lookin' to screw with a cat who's spent twelve years in a freakin' Viet Cong PRISON CAMP and survived. I mean, not that Schrafka was ever actually IN the 'Nam, but he's seen "Apocalypse Now" FIFTEEN TIMES, man. And once when the fridge was busted he had to eat nuthin' but rice for a WEEK, and if that doesn't amount to the same thing as bustin' out of a VC prison, I don't know what does.

Yeah, Schrafka's wise to you, man, and he's wise to his freakin' so- called FRIENDS, too. He knows what you did to 'em, how the little gray mushroomers you've got hidin' out in the fire alarm are beaming thought-poison into directly into their freakin' AURAS, man, and now they just dance on yer freakin' strings like puppets. Well, he's got you beat there, buddy. He's got a GENUINE QUARTZ CRYSTAL that usesta belong to the Space God Xordoxor himself to screen away that bad hoodoo. Schrafka's one trustworthy pal, Mack, practically GAVE IT AWAY for just FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS, man. Now there's one buddy you creeps'll never get yer slimy purple tentacles into.

Schrafka knows you're comin', cuz he knows too much. But he's ready for you. He trained with the freakin' COMPANY, man. He's been inside the Bureau. He's seen yer freakin' Majestic-12 files. And he's got the stars and the Martian face pyramids to back him up, along with Jesus Christ, Allah, Dianetics, and the Great Space Cow. Frankly, he feels a little sorry for you. But not that much.

Now if only that damned smiley cat-clock with the googly eyes would release its hypnotic possession of him, he'd be ridin' easy.

 

Schrafka first appeared on December 9, 1996.
Visually, Schrafka is rather similar to Swirl, a cat belonging to an old friend
who bears an odd pattern on her back shaped like the Nutra-Sweet symbol.
That is, the cat has the Nutra-Sweet symbol on her back, not the friend. As far as we know.
In younger, happier times, Swirl would often attempt to lovingly eviscerate the
cartoonist whenever he entered the room. Alas, age has taken the zeal of bloodshed from
the dear cat, and most of Swirl's present activities involve her striking impersonation of jell-o.