You Were Right When You Said They Were All Just Bricks In The Wall

WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT Say what you will about my good buddy Bill Taft, he's no bloated early 20th century United States president. Bill is a senior at Colombia University majoring in hispanic studies and computer science. Bill just put up a really amazing web page. I mean, it's not quite as good as his old page. In fact, Theo Roosevelt is so disappointed with Bill's page that Theo is now running for webmaster, a move that could split the party and leave Woodrow "Woody" Wilson in charge of the site. But even if he does get booted from the server, he'll at least have a career as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Bill got stuck in a bathtub once. It's nothing he's proud of, but we don't judge him for it.

CAPTAIN AHAB Say what you will about my old pal Captain Ahab, he's no fictional whaling captain hell-bent on avenging the loss of his leg to the ghostly white whale Moby Dick, Melville's symbolic representation of God/Fate/Nature. Ahab "Captain" Ahab is a grad student at Cornell who currently studies maritime law and computer science. Cap's a bit vulgar for a Quaker, but he always comes through for you in a pinch, especially when you need to harpoon a crazed marine mammal. Cap likes warm puppies, summer breezes, and would strike the sun if it insulted him. He's also quite a devil with the ladies. They may call him Captain Ahab, but he's really Captain Love. The Captain's old college buddy, who, as the suspicious lettering clearly indicates, is quite happy.

NEW ZEALAND Say what you will about my friend New Zealand, it sure isn't any small group of islands somewhere around Australia that... ahhh, hell, that's exactly what it is. Now, I don't know if you're FROM New Zealand, but, heh heh, man, it sure is... ehhh... it sure is... I know absolutely nothing about New Zealand. I hear the people call themselves kiwis. The only other things that are called kiwis are goofy flightless birds and fruit that's got hair on it. To hell with New Zealand. The mysterious stone statues of Easter Island are just some of the many exotic sights you won't find at all on New Zealand.

THE FRANCO-PRUSSIAN WAR The most popular wars are always the big, flashy ones: World War II, the Napoleonic Wars, the nuclear apocalypse of 2023. Few people have a real appreciation for wars like the Franco-Prussian War. Oh, sure, it might not have had the biggest guns, or the coolest explosions, and it might not have managed to reduce the world into a post-atomic wasteland populated by mutants and vampires. But I like it anyway. A quiet, introspective, intimate war, Frank doesn't talk much. But when he does, he talks from the heart. And who could forget the events that made Frank one of the greats? The Battle of Wissemburg. Metz's crucial surrender to the Germans. Bismarck's daring hiring of monster twelve-eyed space zombies. These are the moments that make a friendship last a lifetime. Frank's time with us may have been short (July 15 1870 - March 1, 1871) but who could forget him? Shine on, Frank. Shine on.